I hope this comment is taken the right way. I don't want to boast, but I have to say some things which will sound like bragging (even though it isn't) in order explain my 'ness' =]. Furthermore, a lot of what I say may be controversial to some and won't be appreciated. Also, I can't recommend you do anything I do, because even though it works for me, it will most likely have unintended consequences for you.
I use my street smarts every day. I may say the same thing to ten people ten different ways- not because I want to `change things up,` but because I analyze and judge everyone I meet upon every occasion I have. It also helps that my verbal IQ is off the charts (and therefore placed in the 99.99th percentile). This allows me to articulate and find words that accurately represent the people I meet, and understand them more. (Please note I am dyslexic and have processing difficulties which mean how I write is not representative of my verbal IQ because I can't process fast enough while writing to say coherently what I think like I can when I am talking. <- example there)
(1) Analyze every person and remember it
The importance of what I am doing is used when I get in a sticky situation. There are two types of people, those who give excuses, and those who solve problems. I use what I learn and assume(#1) about people to describe to them in the most effective way possible what needs to be done. When I present ideas to people, I don't present ideas- I present the problem and why the idea solves it.
(#1 cont. Don't tell a person what you assume about his or her character- not only is it unbecoming, it will probably piss him or her off unless it is a special circumstance)
(2) Become the person who is (known for) immediately solving problems
I, unfortunately, break a commandment more than I should. I lie. When I lie, I don't think that the most important thing is not to get caught. I think about how the lie is helpful, and how I am going to expose the lie later ESPECIALLY if the person knows I am lying. For example, I had a tutor who was approaching a subject I could not talk about for a reason I will not explain. This is the kind of guy who will not accept an "excuse" for not talking about a subject regardless of the validity. In this circumstance, talking about the subject (it was personal) would be detrimental to our working relationship and the time would be better spent working on something else..So I lied. I did not lie elaborately, but I lied in a fashion where I knew he would believe me. Three hours after he left, I wrote him an email apologizing for my lie, explaining why I did it and the benefits it had. He was not upset about it, but understanding and appreciated the honesty, ironic huh?
(3) Choose your words carefully
Nothing is free. When you accept something from a friend, even if it is explicitly spoken that no strings are attached, you owe them. Of course this may actually be the kind of person where he or she truly believes that you do not owe them anything, but expect it. When you deliver a favor, unless explicitly stated and agreed upon, the person receiving the favor owes you nothing, so don't ask for anything in return. I know, I am saying "Be the person you do not expect anyone else to be". However, if you want to enter show biz and need connections and will have to rely on people to make your way to the top, make damn sure you can rely on who you are relying on.
(4) Low expectations cost you nothing, but let you reap the benefits of positive events
Unfortunately, a lot of the rules I live by don't allow me to be an open person. I don't like to talk about myself, ect. Today, I had a very in-depth conversation with a friend who I consider to be one of my closed friends. She is one of my closed friends because I know if were in another state- and I needed a way to get somewhere else, she would drop everything and drive cross country to help me. I talked to her today about some of my problems and I brought her to tears. She explained how she feels like she didn't know me very well and how she feels like she has failed as a friend because she didn't know me better, and she wished that she could have "watched movies and ate ice creme with" me during all the times I have had trouble because of depression or my pet dying ect. because that's what she would have done. I had to explain to her that it wasn't her fault but mine for being the kind of person who isn't sharing. At the moment, lots of bad things are happening to me even though I don't deserve them (I'm not going to talk to everyone about them, but I talked to her about them), and she got very angry, and didn't understand why I am so forgiving to others. Why don't I hold grudges? Why did I forgive her for being a "bad" friend? Why am I understanding when I shouldn't be? Why don't I just accept (things)? I responded with,
(5 part 1) Forgive and Forget(However, learn the lessons of the situation.), Cut your losses, Make your next plan, and execute.
[I'm clearly an introvert]
(5 part 2) Most heroes fail before they become successful
Most of what I have said applies to my weird social situations. One last piece of advice which is on my mind- I have purposefully saved for last. When you are in egypt, please don't accept a tour of the mountains in the valley of the kings from a kind local (long story). Again, when you are above under-ground tombs and locals want to give you a tour. Please don't take it (long story). Furthermore, if you are going to take it, PLEASE walk behind them. (Again long story).
(6) Just because you can, doesn't mean you should
-
Well, that is all I can think of off the top of my head. This is unedited and probably contains errors. I can also see you saying I am FOS. But you need to realize, We all live in our own world. I'd appreciate anything anyone has to say to me- especially if you think I am FOS, but please- respond tactfully.
"There are two types of people, those who give excuses, and those who solve problems."
About a year or so ago I was working at my dad's small law office when he inadvertently dropped this gem on me.
My dad is what I like to call a "financial lawyer", as he focuses mostly in bankruptcy, IRS problems, tax stuff, real estate business, litigation, and other random personal or business fiscal matters (for example, he recently took on a case to sell a whole business). He's been running his business now for a little more than 20 years, and for a while after college he worked at the IRS and a few other office jobs, so he more than knows his way around the bureaucracy of working with the government and other large institutions, but it was the way he so deftly displayed this that made it so impressive to me at the time.
So some person wanted to buy or sell a house using him as their representation, and as part of doing this you need to get a form called something along the lines of an "Anti-Predatory Lending Agreement" that you get by mailing or faxing some form to some office where it is somehow approved, and once you have that you can move on with the process of closing. We faxed in our part of getting this done 3-4 weeks in advance even though it is only supposed to take 3-5 business days to get it back approved (assuming everything is in order). About 2 weeks later we still hadn't gotten this form back, so we called in to get the status of the document, and they had us fax it again labeled urgent this time. Another week passed and we still hadn't gotten the document back, so we checked in a second time, sent one more, and another few business days passed without receiving anything. At this point the deadline requiring the document was looming in just a few days, so I called again checking on its status, and basically got nothing.
I reported back to my father to tell him the bad news, then took as seat at the other desk in his room to work on some letters. He sat for a few minutes brewing and quietly mulling over the situation before calling up the office to try and take care of the situation, and after a few minutes got in touch with the person who was supposed to be handling our file. This is how the conversation panned out (with liberties taken assuming what specifically was said on the other side of the phone):
[introductory banter]
Dad Lawyer: So ok, how is this predatory lending agreement coming along?
Office Guy: Well we've had a busy week but we should be able to have it to you in a few days.
DL: A few more days? We need this agreement like _tomorrow_ or we will have to postpone the closing.
OG: Well Sir, it takes around 3 to 5 business days for us to process the forms before we can get them back to you...
DL: 3 to 5 days? We sent it the First time more than 2 weeks ago.
OG: Hmmm... sometimes forms get misplaced or lost altogether,...
DL: Yes, and then we sent our Second form early last week, and our Third form early this week. This is getting ridiculous!
OG: ... I'm not sure what I can do to help you Sir...
// At this point, something clicked to my dad and somehow through his experiences in the past he got it. Without raising his voice, his tone changed from exasperation to what I can only fully describe as his "alpha male" voice: a calm, controlled forcefulness.
DL: I see... Listen, I know you don't do too much around your office, but right now that isn't really working out for me very well. I know theres a guy at your office who actually Does work, because theres a guy at every office who actually Does work. What I need you to do is connect me to that guy, because otherwise this just isn't going to get done.
!!!
I had barely been listening up to that point, but when his tone changed and I heard that, I basically did a full about-face out of surprise. Pretty sure the guy on the other line was just as shocked as I was and tried to muster a response, but my dad didn't have any of it and just asked to talk to "that guy". I expected he would be put through to a manager or supervisor who would then take care of the situation, but as it turns out he actually just got put through to "that guy", and no more than 3 or so hours later one of his secretaries walked into his office and handed him the lending agreement. He turned around to me grinning like a madman and I couldn't help but laugh, the situation seemed too unreal, but I learned that day (though I may not be able to pull it off quite like he did) that it just isn't worth bothering working with the excusers. If you need to rely on people to get stuff done for you, make sure you have people who actually get stuff done.
This was a really, really good comment. It gave me a couple ideas that makes me want to chime in -
> ... I can't process fast enough while writing to say coherently what I think like I can when I am talking...
Very common among high performers. I had lunch with an uber-businessman, from-scratch-into-hundreds-of-millions type, and he says to the waiter, "Water no cold!" He meant no ice. They figured it out. Don't worry about getting pretty words out there, get the message out there. I read a lot, have studied a lot, and lots of times I'll write or speak with bad grammar if it's easier to understand or would take longer to fix. "That ain't right" is something I say fairly often since "that ain't right" is usually the fastest way to say it when something ain't right.
> When I lie, I don't think that the most important thing is not to get caught. I think about how the lie is helpful, and how I am going to expose the lie later ESPECIALLY if the person knows I am lying.
Everyone lies. EVERYONE. The people that don't admit this are forced to rationalize their lies, or even convince themselves that they're true. I note, evaluate, and scrutinize every time I lie, and do it a hell of a lot less than most people. When I do lie, I evaluate whether it was okay there and if it was worth it, and try to figure out a way I could have not lied.
And people are very understanding of lying for good reasons. I remember telling a guy I worked with from age 19 to 21, "Hey, remember when I said I was 22 when we met...? I was 19. I just turned 21, not 24." He totally understood. He says, "I'd have done the same thing, no one takes a teenager seriously." He was... 35 at the time. People understand. If you're much younger than people at your same level, you might have to lie about your age if it comes up before the other person has gotten a chance to know you. You clear it up a few months later and no one cares, really. Though it is a bit more relaxing to not have to lie about it now.
Also, on the topic of lying, it's worth learning about how people lie. For instance, people who screw around when in committed relationships get indignant when asked how many times they've done so. "What?! Zero!" Otherwise, people shrug and say they haven't. Then, if you mention one or two times that the person told you about and ask how many again, they're say, "okay... well... just three." That's probably seven to ten. If they say five, it's probably 15. 8 is "a lot". You pick this stuff up if you pay attention to people lying and try to guess at what the truth actually is. Eventually you get a sense for it.
Two more thoughts on lying - don't put people in a position where they have to lie. So if someone's a young entrepreneur, I tell them, "Hey, I went into business at 19... I know what it's like... it's tough... how old are you?" and I do it when no one's around. If you do it in front of other people, they're going to lie, because they have to. Also, don't confront people on lying to you generally, it's not worth it. I just shrug and wait a while. If you need the real answer, ask the question in a re-phrased way where they'll be more likely to tell the truth in a few weeks. They probably will. Don't mention the discrepencies in their story, "catching" a person just royally upsets them.
> Nothing is free. When you accept something from a friend, even if it is explicitly spoken that no strings are attached, you owe them.
Yes. My rule - don't accept favors from people I don't want to do twice as much for in return.
> I know, I am saying "Be the person you do not expect anyone else to be".
Love that expression. Fantastic way of putting it.
> Forgive and Forget
This one will be the most controversial one I'll write -
Forgive and forget... 95% of the time. One time out of 20, when you're completely in the right morally, completely so, go to ridiculous ends to wreck havoc on a wrong-doer. Doing this only every so often gives you a reputation of not to be messed with, and even when people do shady/bad/questionable things in regards to you, they think a little more carefully about crossing "the line" because they don't want total war. Again, you should be so completely in the moral right that the person's grandmother would say, "Well, yes, it's bad that he's doing it, but are you really surprised after how you treated him?" His grandmother should think you're in the right. Also, I've seen it plenty of times - if you have absolutely, completely, totally no shot of winning and go (intelligently) berserk anyways... sometimes you'll win, and the reputation of doing so goes a long, long ways. "Yeah, that's so and so... good guy, very loyal, don't wrong him though. Yeah, one time he was in Hong Kong and got into a shouting match with a mob boss in McDonalds who had two of his goons there, the police had to break it up... why? The mob boss called one of the employees a fucking idiot and spit on the floor, and Sebastian said to lower his voice and clean it up..." But yeah, if you're not going to war, then forgive and forget. And once a war is over, then forgive and forget. Grudges are useless.
> I'd appreciate anything anyone has to say to me- especially if you think I am FOS, but please- respond tactfully.
Oh, but most people won't... I'd never give unsolicited advice to anyone I didn't have a really close personal relationship with, and even then, very rarely.
Great comment! I agree with just about all of it. What's the Egypt thing by the way, if you don't mind me asking? Sounds crazy.
My philosophy about lying is like this: first of all, I must be honest with myself. Then, there are one or two people in my life to whom I just don't lie. I think we all should have a friend to whom we can tell "the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth."
Concerning other people, I try to lie the minimum necessary to get away with it. There are some people to whom one must lie (i.e. government officials).
I use my street smarts every day. I may say the same thing to ten people ten different ways- not because I want to `change things up,` but because I analyze and judge everyone I meet upon every occasion I have. It also helps that my verbal IQ is off the charts (and therefore placed in the 99.99th percentile). This allows me to articulate and find words that accurately represent the people I meet, and understand them more. (Please note I am dyslexic and have processing difficulties which mean how I write is not representative of my verbal IQ because I can't process fast enough while writing to say coherently what I think like I can when I am talking. <- example there)
(1) Analyze every person and remember it
The importance of what I am doing is used when I get in a sticky situation. There are two types of people, those who give excuses, and those who solve problems. I use what I learn and assume(#1) about people to describe to them in the most effective way possible what needs to be done. When I present ideas to people, I don't present ideas- I present the problem and why the idea solves it. (#1 cont. Don't tell a person what you assume about his or her character- not only is it unbecoming, it will probably piss him or her off unless it is a special circumstance)
(2) Become the person who is (known for) immediately solving problems
I, unfortunately, break a commandment more than I should. I lie. When I lie, I don't think that the most important thing is not to get caught. I think about how the lie is helpful, and how I am going to expose the lie later ESPECIALLY if the person knows I am lying. For example, I had a tutor who was approaching a subject I could not talk about for a reason I will not explain. This is the kind of guy who will not accept an "excuse" for not talking about a subject regardless of the validity. In this circumstance, talking about the subject (it was personal) would be detrimental to our working relationship and the time would be better spent working on something else..So I lied. I did not lie elaborately, but I lied in a fashion where I knew he would believe me. Three hours after he left, I wrote him an email apologizing for my lie, explaining why I did it and the benefits it had. He was not upset about it, but understanding and appreciated the honesty, ironic huh?
(3) Choose your words carefully
Nothing is free. When you accept something from a friend, even if it is explicitly spoken that no strings are attached, you owe them. Of course this may actually be the kind of person where he or she truly believes that you do not owe them anything, but expect it. When you deliver a favor, unless explicitly stated and agreed upon, the person receiving the favor owes you nothing, so don't ask for anything in return. I know, I am saying "Be the person you do not expect anyone else to be". However, if you want to enter show biz and need connections and will have to rely on people to make your way to the top, make damn sure you can rely on who you are relying on.
(4) Low expectations cost you nothing, but let you reap the benefits of positive events
Unfortunately, a lot of the rules I live by don't allow me to be an open person. I don't like to talk about myself, ect. Today, I had a very in-depth conversation with a friend who I consider to be one of my closed friends. She is one of my closed friends because I know if were in another state- and I needed a way to get somewhere else, she would drop everything and drive cross country to help me. I talked to her today about some of my problems and I brought her to tears. She explained how she feels like she didn't know me very well and how she feels like she has failed as a friend because she didn't know me better, and she wished that she could have "watched movies and ate ice creme with" me during all the times I have had trouble because of depression or my pet dying ect. because that's what she would have done. I had to explain to her that it wasn't her fault but mine for being the kind of person who isn't sharing. At the moment, lots of bad things are happening to me even though I don't deserve them (I'm not going to talk to everyone about them, but I talked to her about them), and she got very angry, and didn't understand why I am so forgiving to others. Why don't I hold grudges? Why did I forgive her for being a "bad" friend? Why am I understanding when I shouldn't be? Why don't I just accept (things)? I responded with,
(5 part 1) Forgive and Forget(However, learn the lessons of the situation.), Cut your losses, Make your next plan, and execute. [I'm clearly an introvert] (5 part 2) Most heroes fail before they become successful
Most of what I have said applies to my weird social situations. One last piece of advice which is on my mind- I have purposefully saved for last. When you are in egypt, please don't accept a tour of the mountains in the valley of the kings from a kind local (long story). Again, when you are above under-ground tombs and locals want to give you a tour. Please don't take it (long story). Furthermore, if you are going to take it, PLEASE walk behind them. (Again long story).
(6) Just because you can, doesn't mean you should - Well, that is all I can think of off the top of my head. This is unedited and probably contains errors. I can also see you saying I am FOS. But you need to realize, We all live in our own world. I'd appreciate anything anyone has to say to me- especially if you think I am FOS, but please- respond tactfully.